So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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