I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
