Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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