I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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