Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
