You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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