I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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