the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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