So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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