...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
