Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
