I'm going to jail i love you
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
