I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just want to make out with him forever
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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