I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
