hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
