you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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