I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I need to calm my uterus...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
