Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
