im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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