Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
