I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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