I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you will always have a special place in my vag
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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