Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
