please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You ruined the universe
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
