he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
