I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
