wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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