Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
