On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
