I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
