Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
