you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize