Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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