did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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