Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
no you cant smoke seaweed
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
