why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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