I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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