Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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