I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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