woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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