I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
