Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
