I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
