You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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