This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
