so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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