you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
