woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I am available for nakedness
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
