I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
