Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize