My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
