genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Pants are for mortals
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
