I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
