She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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