my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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