she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
