Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
