Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
