There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
