3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Less talking, more tequila
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
