PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
