And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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