i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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