Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
