Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
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