yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize