Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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